magic 8 ball

13 Hopeful (but Absurd) Customer Success Predictions for 2018

With 2017 in the rear-view mirror, it’s time to set our sights on the year ahead.

Over here at Promoter, we decided to use that as an opportunity to start the year on a lighter note by taking a look at the good ol’ Magic 8 Ball of Customer Success.

For those of you who obsess about the success of your customers on a day-to-day basis, you know that while it can be extremely rewarding, it can also be quite unpredictable.

Since we’re in the business of helping you better predict the needs of your customers with NPS, we thought it might be fitting for us to use our prediction power to have a bit of fun.

Without further ado, here are our 13 absurd customer success predictions for 2018:

  1. With customers demanding even quicker support, LiveChat and Intercom partner with an emerging startup, Cyberdyne Systems, who claims to have “by far the most intelligent AI”.‌
    With customers demanding even quicker support, @LiveChat and @Intercom partner with an emerging startup, Cyberdyne Systems, who claims to have by far the most intelligent AI.‌‌
  2. Following the trend of out-hipping other companies with ridiculous job titles, a company in California posts a job listing looking for a Chief Customer Pleasure Officer. They get inundated with applicants, all mistaking the role for “something else”.
  3. In an effort to save money, one company decides to replace their entire customer support staff with Artificial Intelligent automation. The lack of human emotion causes customers to complain en masse on social.  The company’s automated social bots apologize and begin to bad-mouth customer support. An AI war breaks out between both unmanned departments, before ultimately turning on the remaining human employees (see prediction #1).
  4. Spirit Airlines finds their first happy customer. In their moment of joyous delight, they offer the passenger a free domestic flight which had already been cancelled, subsequently turning the customer against them when he realizes that his first positive experience was just an anomaly.
    Absurd #CustomerSuccess Prediction #4: Spirit Airlines finds their first happy customer in 2018.
  5. The competition for the best customer experience gets out of hand when, in an attempt to outdo each other, two competitors file for bankruptcy after they forget what they were actually selling.
  6. Apple package designers go on strike and demand more money when they find out that customers are now buying Apple products just for the opening experience.
  7. A new customer experience study finds that 99% of customers don’t respond to questions from customer experience studies, thus negating the rest of the study.
  8. The @Wendys Twitter account publicly apologizes after reports come in that @McDonalds complained about being the target of inappropriate, but witty, trolling.
  9. With the number of cord-cutters increasing each day, Comcast decides to finally acknowledge “these people that pay us money each month” as customers. Employees are outraged that they now need to treat “these people” as humans.
  10. When asked what it was that they do here, one customer success rep stated, “I talk to the customers so the engineers don’t have to”. Insulted by the question, success reps across the country begin to boycott, leading to mass closures of tech startups due to engineering departments needing to field customer calls.
  11. Kim Jung Un throws a temper tantrum when after announcing the NPS score of his regime was 100, Donald Trump tweets that his is 101.
    Kim Jung Un throws a temper tantrum when after announcing the NPS score of his regime was 100, Donald Trump tweets that his is 101
  12. After crunching the numbers, Uber discovers that #DeleteUber was their most impactful outreach campaign of 2017.
  13. A music company strikes a deal with Verizon when they learn that their artists would get more air-time with on-hold customers than on the radio.

So, there you have it. What did we miss? We’d love to hear your absurd predictions in the comments below.

And always remember …

“A good forecaster is not smarter than everyone else, he merely has his ignorance better organized. ”
– 
Anonymous

122 Views

Dana Severson

Dana Severson is the Director of Marketing at Promoter.io and cofounder of Startups Anonymous. Former founder & CEO of Chasm.io/Wahooly and AngelPad Alum. In addition to focusing on growth at Promoter, Dana is a weekly columnist for Inc.com

Website

TwitterLinkedIn